My Women's Conference Talk

You asked for it.

Here it is:

For the last few months I have been asking myself one question, “Why me? Why would Heavenly Father want me to speak at BYU Women’s Conference?” I am just a normal, everyday person. I have lived a fairly unremarkable life…just as common as anyone. I started to feel like I needed a story. I thought, “If I had one fabulous story or if I’ve had a life-altering experience that I could share with you, that would ensure that my talk would be exciting and you would all feel that you had chosen wisely in coming to hear me talk. I thought “If I could just think of a lesson I’ve learned with “BAM” quality, I would be sure to give a phenomenal talk.” Well, I thought and I prayed about it. I did receive an answer to those prayers. My answer was this: “You don’t need to have an outrageous or fantastic story to tell. Most women here are just like you. They live normal, every day lives and that commonality will help them relate to the message you need to share.” With that knowledge I’m not sure this talk will change your life forever. However, I do know that there are those out there that need to hear the message I’ve prepared and I hope to inspire you in some small way.

I had two thoughts that kept coming to my mind. I knew that these were the areas I needed to focus on. #1)- the good and the bad we go through in our marriages and how those experiences refine us; and #2- the love we can and should experience with our extended-extended families.

I love our topic: “Love is what you go through together.” I loved it when I first heard Elder Holland say it during the Worldwide Leadership Training back in February of 2008. I loved this quote so much, my sister in law had it made up for me in a plaque. “Love is what we go through together” spoke to me. It helped me see my marriage in a different light. It helped me see the struggles we go through in marriage in a different light. Marriage, between a man and a woman, is ordained of God. Why is that? Sometimes we are so different, and marriage can be so difficult, it is hard to see marriage as something divine. We all know that “there must be an opposition in all things.” Husbands are not meant to be an opposition to happiness!!! But, in my 11 years of being married, I have learned, that those differences and difficulties are what help us to become the people our Heavenly Father wants us to be. Marriage is ordained of God for many wonderful reasons, but I am convinced that one of the most important reasons is because marriage refines us. It tests us. It tries us. Hearing this quote, “Love is what we go through together”, helped me see that love is the up’s and the down’s in life; in marriage. Love is the sweet and the not-so-sweet. Love is the easy and the hard. Love is the good and the bad. Love is learning and growing and being stretched beyond the distance we think we can be stretched. Love is life. Love is what we go through together. These trials and experiences are just what we need to be refined into the women our Heavenly Father knows we can be. We have been told in modern-day revelation that, “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” And that, “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;” We also know from Lehi that, “God will consecrate our afflictions for our gain.” When we first got married I thought that we were going to be different than everyone else. I thought that we would never fight or argue. We loved each other so much and we were both striving to be the best people we could be. Besides, what could there be to fight or argue about??? Well, little did I know, that no matter how good a husband and wife are trying to be, fights and arguments come up every now and again and again and again! You can imagine how I felt as a newlywed. I thought we must have made a mistake! What did we do??? I had forgotten the sweet spiritual confirmation I received in praying about my marriage and let fear and doubt get in the way. I have felt very impressed to say this as I’ve thought about my speaking assignment for these few months. If you have troubles in your marriage, if you have up’s and down’s, if you have good and bad…..and if you sometimes think it’s too hard….And if you are both striving to follow Jesus Christ, our Savior, and to make your life better, know that all these things shall give you experience and be for your good. In my experience as a triathlete and a marathon runner, I know that muscles are not strengthened by lifting weights that are light, and muscles are not strengthened that are not strained. If you want certain results, you have to be willing to suffer through the hard stuff. The turbulence you’re experiencing, the up’s and down’s you’re having is love. The trials and tests are love. They bring you closer together, if endured well.

I like to think about this analogy when experiencing those ‘straining’ times. My 6 year-old daughter, Makenna, loves rocks. Rocks are almost her favorite thing, next to lip gloss and gum. She collects them where ever we go and always has her eye out for the next one to add to her collection. Many of these rocks are quite plain and ordinary, but to her they are gems of beauty. We have discovered that when we put these ordinary rocks through a ‘rock tumbler’ they can become beautiful to those who have the untrained eye. When put through a rock tumbler, rocks get bounced around; they get thrown around, and get chipped and knocked. But after this refining and smoothing process comes a thing of beauty-- much more beautiful than at the beginning. This is what marriage does for us. We go through a lot of bumps, knocks, and hits, and most of the time, these bumps, knocks and hits are not fun. But, looking back and in the end, these things are what refine us and help us become something beautiful: The person our Father in Heaven knew we could be.

The second area I’d like to talk about is our extended- extended families. I thought about mothers, fathers, grandparents, children, aunts, uncles, and siblings. I thought about how wonderful it is that Heavenly Father sent us to earth in families. We learn the most about becoming like our Heavenly Father in our own homes. We also have an instant support network in this life. We have many people to turn to in times of stress or in times of need. It is wonderful when those angels we call ‘our family’ live close to us. But, what about those of us who do not have family close by? Or what about those who are not close to their families? Well, we are all surrounded by people who love, care for and watch over us, whether they are related to us or not. I wish to speak now and talk about the ‘family’ that we live next door to, or the family who live down the street or across town from us. I speak of our ward family. I speak of our Relief Societies.

I want you to know one thing that I know for sure: WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER. No matter age, size, color, past, present circumstances, background, children or not, education, jobs…..we all need one another. I spent 8 of our first years of marriage in a student ward. We were all the same, we were all young, we were all poor and we were all in school. There is something to be said about strength in numbers and being surrounded by those who are in your same situation. It’s a great support network. Now we’ve been in a wonderful family ward for 3 years. I want to tell you how wonderful it is to be surrounded by women of all ages. My visiting teaching partner is a woman who is in her 70’s. One of the sisters we visit is also in her 70’s. Can I just tell you how much I love them?? I love their stories. I love the knowledge they share with me. They have so much wisdom. They see so clearly. They’ve learned so many valuable lessons from life. I echo the words of Elder F. Michael Watson, who just recently said in General Conference, “. . . The wisdom of those who have gone before, coupled with the wisdom of those who are with us still, will be our guide if we let them have the reins.” How wonderful to have associations with those who have such wisdom to help us in our day.

You might ask how I find a way to connect with these sisters or contend that I don’t have anything in common with them.

In February, I had the opportunity to visit my 70-something sister by myself. My companion couldn’t go with me to our appointment because she had a family situation come up. So, I had the opportunity to go by myself. I was looking forward to this. Since my companion and sister I visit are close in age, they were already good friends and did things together. However, I didn’t know my 70 year old friend very well yet. I yearned for a way to deepen our friendship and connect with her. I thought, “If someone were visiting my grandma, how would I want them to treat her?” I thought about this and decided that if a younger person were visiting my grandma and wanting to become her friend, I would want them to ask her questions about her life and to learn about her. I would want them to be genuinely interested in her life. So, that is what I decided to do. It was one of the best visits I’ve ever had! I learned about her youth and childhood; her husband, her children and grandchildren and her service in the church. Ever since that visit we are closer. Each subsequent visit we’ve grown closer. She has shared more of her experiences, her life lessons learned and I love it! I make notes in my mind during each visit so I remember the words of wisdom she speaks. It is not just a cordial friendship, and we’re not just making small talk when we see each other at church. We are growing our relationship and the things we go through and experience together will one day blossom into love. Isn’t visiting teaching wonderful? I challenge you to make your visiting teaching more than just a thing you do once a month and then check off.

My point in telling you all this is to inspire you to reach out to everyone in your wards and neighborhoods. No matter if they’re like you or not. The service and kind acts we show to one another is love, and it is what we go through together.

So, how do we show that love to each other? How do we reach out to those we don’t know very well, or don’t feel comfortable around? How do we show love to those we don’t know at all? How about those at the grocery store, or the bank or post office? How many times do we just walk in and out, not taking the time to listen to the still small voice of the spirit to reach out to someone or to just compliment someone? How do we overcome our fears of putting ourselves out on the line, of being rejected or of being seen as weird?

I often have the words of the hymn, “Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd” come into my mind. It helps me to not worry so much about what others will think of me and reminds me that the Lord needs my help. Listen to the 2nd and 3rd verses,

“Dear to the heart of the Shepherd, Dear are the lambs of his fold;
Some from the pastures are straying, hungry and helpless and cold.
See, the Good Shepherd is seeking, seeking the lambs that are lost,
Bringing them in with rejoicing, saved at such infinite cost.

“Dear to the heart of the Shepherd, Dear are the ninety and nine;
Dear are the sheep that have wandered out in the desert to pine.
Hark! He is earnestly calling, tenderly pleading today:
“Will you not seek for my lost ones, off from my shelter astray?”

This is a call to action, a plea to us! How many parents are out there praying for someone to find their lost child? How many children are out there praying for someone to find their lost parent? How many are praying for someone to be able to touch their lost loved one?

We are the answer to those prayers. President Kimball said, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other.”

I was recently at our neighborhood park with a handful of friends. A few minutes after we got there, a sister that lives in our ward, and who is not active, arrived at the park with her young 3-year-old and newborn baby. She went to the other side of the park and sat by herself. I recognized this girl and went over to talk to her. I re-introduced myself, since it’s been a while, and we chatted for a few minutes and I admired her beautiful new baby. After we were done talking, I invited her over to sit with us. She said maybe she would. Over the course of the next hour or two she stayed on the other side by herself. I was saddened that no one else went over to talk to her, no one else said hi to her. Now, these girls might not have recognized her as I did, but it still made me feel sad. Later looking back on the situation, I realized I should have gathered my friends together and gone to sit by her. Who knows who’s praying for her to be found by someone who genuinely cares.

Listen to the 4th verse of “Dear to the heart of the Shepherd”:

“Green are the pastures inviting; sweet are the waters and still.
Lord, we will answer thee gladly, “Yes, blessed Master, we will!”
Make us they true undershepherds; give us a love that is deep
Send us out into the desert, seeking the wandering sheep.

Do you hear what we’re saying we’ll do? We’ll leave the nice, comfortable, sunny oasis and go out into the dry, hot desert to find those that are lost. We promise to do this at baptism. We take upon us the name of Christ and promise to do as he would do and say as he would say.

Some of you may have heard this story before told by Elder Marvin J. Ashton:
During an informal fireside address held with a group of adult Latter-day Saints, the leader directing the discussion invited participation by asking the question: “How can you tell if someone is converted to Jesus Christ?” For 45 minutes those in attendance made numerous suggestions in response to this question, and the leader carefully wrote down each answer on a large blackboard. All of the comments were thoughtful and appropriate. But after a time, this great teacher erased everything he had written. Then, acknowledging that all of the comments had been worthwhile and appreciated, he taught a vital principle: “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people.”

Would you consider this idea for a moment—that the way we treat the members of our families, our friends, those with whom we work each day is as important, maybe more so, than some of the more noticeable gospel principles we sometimes emphasize.

Last month the Relief Society celebrated its 167th anniversary. Its motto, “Charity Never Faileth,” has been a way of life for us as its members and others around the globe.

Imagine what could happen in today’s world—or in our own wards, or families, or neighborhoods—if each of us would vow to cherish, watch over, and comfort one another. If we would pray to be the Lord’s “true undershepherds”, as it said in the song. Imagine the possibilities!

Be one who nurtures and who builds. If you think something nice about someone, say it! How many times have we thought, “Oh, I love her hair!” Or, “Oh, she looks cute!” but not said anything? Or how about even looking for something to compliment someone on? Make them feel good about themselves. Be one who looks for the best in people. For, that is how we would want others to look upon us. What if we each took this for our motto: Leave people better than you found them.

If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. The great philosopher Plato once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

If the adversary can influence us to pick on each other, to find fault, bash, and undermine, to judge or humiliate or taunt, half his battle is won. Why? Because though this sort of conduct may not equate with succumbing to grievous sin, it nevertheless neutralizes us spiritually. The Spirit of the Lord cannot dwell where there is bickering, judging, contention, or any kind of bashing.

Once again may I emphasize the principle that when we truly become converted to Jesus Christ, committed to Him, an interesting thing happens: our attention turns to the welfare of our fellowman, and the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives. This is the beginning of true conversion.

Let us open our arms to each other, accept each other for who we are, assume everyone is doing the best he or she can, and look for ways to help leave quiet messages of love and encouragement instead of being destructive with bashing.
Who can remember the words to the song we all love to sing, but that we sing so much, the words might not have the desired and full impact on us:

“As Sisters in Zion we’ll all work together; the blessing of God on our labors we’ll seek.
We’ll build up His kingdom with earnest endeavor; we’ll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.”

“The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as siters, we claim: To do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity’s name.”

“How vast is our purpose. How broad is our mission, if we but fulfill it in spirit and deed. Oh naught, but the spirit’s divinest tuition, can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.”

This song sums up our roles in life: as sisters in Zion. Do we seek the blessings of God on our labor? Do we seek to build up his Kingdom, with earnest endeavor? Do we comfort the weary? Do we strengthen the weak?

That last line holds an interesting piece of advice. Listen again: “Oh naught, but the spirit’s divinest tuition can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.” The key here is: the Spirit. The spirit can tell us who to reach out to, who to talk to, who to compliment or call or send an email to. The spirit will help us to know who need us. The Spirit will help us to truly succeed. We need to listen. We need to live our lives in such a way that the spirit can reach us.

Do you remember Elder Alan F. Packer’s talk from conference? He told the story of playing football in high school. He was on defense, trying to prevent the other team from making a touchdown. After the play started, the man he was guarding got the ball. Elder Packer was right there, ran to him and grabbed hold of the ball, too, and was trying to strip the ball from him. As they tugged back and forth, amidst all the noise, Elder Packer heard a voice: “Tackle him, Packer!!! Tackle him!!!!” He says, “That was enough to bring me to my senses, so I dropped him on the spot.” Elder Packer recognized this voice as the voice of his coach. He was amazed that over the screaming noise of the crowd, the yelling of the players, and the blaring of the marching band, he could still hear his coach’s voice. Upon further examining the situation, he realized that the only reason he recognized his coach’s voice was because he was familiar with it. He had heard it a thousand times. He had listened to it a thousand times. He had obeyed what this voice had told him to do a thousand times and knew that when he did what that voice told him to do, good things happened!

So it is with the Holy Ghost. How can we expect to hear a voice we don’t recognize? With all that we have going on in our lives…all the noise and distraction (and I’m not just talking about children), how can we hear that still, small voice? We need to take time to be quiet and still. We need to set aside time to read and ponder the scriptures every day. Usually if we set a goal to read at the same time every day, we do it. If we just leave it up to chance and say, “I’ll do it sometime today”, it usually doesn’t happen. We need to take time to talk with our Heavenly Father and listen to Him, not just do it so we can say we’ve done it for the day. We need to fill our homes with good music and media that allows the spirit to be in our homes. It doesn’t matter how informing or how entertaining it is. If it offends the spirit, we can’t take the chance to let it in our homes. President Boyd K. Packer said, “The spirit does not get our attention by shouting or shaking us with a heavy hand. Rather it whispers. It caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all.”

How can we hear the voice of the Holy Ghost if we don’t recognize it? Recognition is sometimes hard. We wonder if a thought is a prompting from the Holy Ghost, of if it’s just one of our own. My experience has taught me that when these promptings come and we wonder if it’s the Holy Ghost, that we do whatever that thought is. Just do it. Call someone, stop by someone’s home, take them dinner, send an email, give a compliment, say hello. Whatever it is; do it. As time goes by, you’ll begin to recognize the hand of the Lord in your life guiding you to help people, and you will recognize that that guiding comes through the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

You will begin to see that you can be an instrument in God’s hand to help those sheep who are lost. You will be answering the call from our Savior, to become his under-shepherd and to go out into the desert to find those who need finding. As you find, as your nurture, as you build and share, you will feel the love of the Lord in your life. You will be bringing the love of the Lord into other’s lives. You will experience God’s love.

Now go out! Seek to strengthen your marriages and know that marriage is ordained of God because it is hard, because it is work; and because it is the relationship in which we can experience the most sublime joy! Remember that our trials and tests in marriage refine us and help us to become as the beautiful, polished, but bumped and knocked rocks. Strive to work together with women of all ages, creeds and colors. Seek the blessings of God on your daily labors. Comfort the sick and the weary. Claim your womanly gift, as an angel, and recognize that God answers most prayers through other people. Seek to do those things that are gentle and human. Strive to have the spirit of the Lord in your life and to recognize his voice. You’ve got to be able to hear the voice to recognize it. You have to listen to it over and over to recognize it. You have to trust that what that voice tells you to do is good, and then you will experience love beyond measure as you bring love into the life of others and into your own life.

Love will truly be what you go through together. I say these things….